If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...
Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"
A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."
Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"
A: "The officer who responded to the scene."
Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"
A: "Yes, sir. With my life."
Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"
A: "Yes sir, we do!"
Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"
A: "Yes sir, I do."
Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"
A: "Yes sir."
Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"
A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."
The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
Ralph and Edna's Love Story
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.'
The bad news is Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'
Happy Mental Health day!
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.'
The bad news is Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'
Happy Mental Health day!
Thursday, May 01, 2008
Talking Clock
A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night.
He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
"What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked. "Its not a gong. Its a talking clock", the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend. "Yup", replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
"Watch", the drunk replied.
He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "Hey, jerk! It's one-fifteen in the morning!"
He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
"What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked. "Its not a gong. Its a talking clock", the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend. "Yup", replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
"Watch", the drunk replied.
He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "Hey, jerk! It's one-fifteen in the morning!"
Monday, April 21, 2008
You Know You're Living In 2008 When...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
Monday, April 14, 2008
EXCERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
What does your Dad do?
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school,were overheard talking at the zoo one day.
"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Tommy," replied the second.
"My Daddy`s an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.
Tommy replied, "My Daddy`s a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Billy.
"No, just the regular kind," replied Tommy.
"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Tommy," replied the second.
"My Daddy`s an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.
Tommy replied, "My Daddy`s a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Billy.
"No, just the regular kind," replied Tommy.
Sunday, April 06, 2008
Tax Rebate
President George Bush said each one of us would get a $600.00 tax rebate. It was previously slated to be $800.00, but they dropped it to a $600.00 tax rebate because of various budget problems.
Now, if we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China, if we spend it on computers, most of the money will go to Korea or India.
If we spend it on gasoline it will all go to the Arabs ....and none of these scenarios will help the American economy.
We need to keep that money here in America .....so the only way to keep that money here at home is to drink Bourbon, gamble, or spend it on prostitution. Currently it seems that these are the only businesses still left in the U.S.
Now, if we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China, if we spend it on computers, most of the money will go to Korea or India.
If we spend it on gasoline it will all go to the Arabs ....and none of these scenarios will help the American economy.
We need to keep that money here in America .....so the only way to keep that money here at home is to drink Bourbon, gamble, or spend it on prostitution. Currently it seems that these are the only businesses still left in the U.S.
I'm Governor Elliot Spitzer and I approve of this message.
Monday, February 18, 2008
Three Government Contractors...
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C.; one from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, from Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official.
And that friends, is how it all works!
The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official.
And that friends, is how it all works!
Thursday, February 14, 2008
The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Timeless Quotes
"In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is
a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress."
John Adams
"Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally."
Abraham Lincoln
a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress."
John Adams
"Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally."
Abraham Lincoln
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Redneck Sensitivity
Three Rednecks were working up on a Georgia cell phone tower: Bobby, Johnny and Bubba.
As they start their descent Bobby slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Johnny says, "Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife."
Bubba says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Johnny says, "Where did you get that beer, Bubba?"
"Bobby's wife gave it to me," Bubba replies.
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"
Well, not exactly", Bubba says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, you must be Bobby's widow'."
She said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow."
Then I said "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."
As they start their descent Bobby slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Johnny says, "Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife."
Bubba says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Johnny says, "Where did you get that beer, Bubba?"
"Bobby's wife gave it to me," Bubba replies.
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"
Well, not exactly", Bubba says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, you must be Bobby's widow'."
She said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow."
Then I said "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."
Monday, January 14, 2008
Thank you George, for your Wisdom
For those of us old enough to understand George Carlin…a few statements to ponder.
- Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
- One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
- Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
- What if there were no hypothetical questions?
- If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him…is he still wrong?
- If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
- Is there another word for synonym?
- Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
- Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
- What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
- Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
- Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
- If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
- Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
- Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
- Why do they put Braille on the drive-thru ATMs?
- What was the best thing before sliced bread?
- One thing nice about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
- Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
- How is it possible to have a civil war?
- If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
- If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?
- If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?
- Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have an “S” in it?
- Why are hemorrhoids called hemorrhoids instead of “asteroids”?
- Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
- Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
- Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
- If the “black box” flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius.
(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign .
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas.
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"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President
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"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-- Dan Quayle
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need ?"
--Lee Iacocca
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"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
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Feeling smarter yet?
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign .
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-- Dan Quayle
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need ?"
--Lee Iacocca
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
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--Keppel Enderbery
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
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Feeling smarter yet?
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
An Email Thank You
My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months.
Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.
Extra thanks for the ones that I have to open 15 times to get to the message.
Special thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes because I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.
Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains and dissolve hamburgers in a few hours.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from nor send packages by UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.
I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me. Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387th time)
I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program.
I can no longer use my credit card in a public place cuz someone with a camera phone will get the number and charge all kinds of wild things on my credit card.
I no longer drink beer cuz I need it to wash my hair to make it shiny and lustrous.
I now walk around with bounty sheets sticking out of my ears to keep the mosquitoes away.
Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor! If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (CDT) this afternoon.
I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician and she now has the Asian bird flu.
Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.
Extra thanks for the ones that I have to open 15 times to get to the message.
Special thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes because I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.
Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains and dissolve hamburgers in a few hours.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from nor send packages by UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.
I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me. Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387th time)
I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program.
I can no longer use my credit card in a public place cuz someone with a camera phone will get the number and charge all kinds of wild things on my credit card.
I no longer drink beer cuz I need it to wash my hair to make it shiny and lustrous.
I now walk around with bounty sheets sticking out of my ears to keep the mosquitoes away.
Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor! If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (CDT) this afternoon.
I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician and she now has the Asian bird flu.
Saturday, October 06, 2007
Why Parents Drink
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. " Hello ? "
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
" Yes ," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, " No ."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" " Yes ."
"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, " No ."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
" Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ".
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
" No, he's busy ", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
" Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
" A helicopter " answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...
"ME."
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
" Yes ," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, " No ."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" " Yes ."
"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, " No ."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
" Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ".
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
" No, he's busy ", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
" Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
" A helicopter " answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...
"ME."
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Thursday, September 20, 2007
This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in the Atlanta Journal.
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I' m a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting....
Please scroll down .... .
Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society...
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I' m a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting....
Please scroll down ....
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Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society...
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
HOW TO DRIVE IN ATLANTA
1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is Et'lanna.
2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00am to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph. Anything less is considered "Wussy".(which is why I drive 90)
4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Atlanta has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars or trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, in Roswell & Alpharetta, SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.
5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.
6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It's another offense that can get you shot.
7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in all of Atlanta and surrounding counties. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting.
8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, cats, barrels, cones, celebs, rubberneckers, shredded tires, cell phoners, deer and other road kill, and the buzzards feeding on any of these items.
9. MapQuest does not work here. None of the roads are where they say they are or go where they say they do and all the freeway off and on ramps are moved each night.
10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally activated."
11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65 mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be "flipped off” accordingly. If you return the flip, you'll be shot.
12. Do not try to estimate travel time, just leave Monday afternoon for Tuesday appointments, by noon Thursday for Friday and right after church on Sunday for anything on Monday morning.
13. Above all else, enjoy your driving experience, because if you actually get where you are going on time, everybody else will be late.
2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00am to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph. Anything less is considered "Wussy".(which is why I drive 90)
4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Atlanta has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars or trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, in Roswell & Alpharetta, SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.
5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.
6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It's another offense that can get you shot.
7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in all of Atlanta and surrounding counties. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting.
8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, cats, barrels, cones, celebs, rubberneckers, shredded tires, cell phoners, deer and other road kill, and the buzzards feeding on any of these items.
9. MapQuest does not work here. None of the roads are where they say they are or go where they say they do and all the freeway off and on ramps are moved each night.
10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally activated."
11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65 mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be "flipped off” accordingly. If you return the flip, you'll be shot.
12. Do not try to estimate travel time, just leave Monday afternoon for Tuesday appointments, by noon Thursday for Friday and right after church on Sunday for anything on Monday morning.
13. Above all else, enjoy your driving experience, because if you actually get where you are going on time, everybody else will be late.
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
Camo Couch
WHAT TO WEAR WHEN YOUR WIFE HAS
CHORES FOR YOU TO DO
(He is there....look hard......Great camo.....
ACU's...Army Combat Uniform...)
REALLY GOOD CAMOUFLAGE!!!!
Friday, August 24, 2007
Happy
How the fight started:
I rear ended a car this morning...
I knew it was going to be a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!"
So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"
That's how the fight started. . .
Thursday, July 19, 2007
STAY ALERT! They walk among us . . .and they REPRODUCE!!!
IDIOT SIGHTING:
Gene and I had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.
He said, "NO, it's not.Four is larger than two." We haven't used Sears repair since.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor that called the local township administrative office to request the removal of the "Deer Crossing" sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore." From Kingman , KS .
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had Iceberg.
Was he a Chef? Yep...From Kansas City !
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"
He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask." Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!" She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS
IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun We should do this more often."
Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself - and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open! His reply, "I know - I already got that side."
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , Mississippi!
Gene and I had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.
He said, "NO, it's not.Four is larger than two." We haven't used Sears repair since.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor that called the local township administrative office to request the removal of the "Deer Crossing" sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore." From Kingman , KS .
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had Iceberg.
Was he a Chef? Yep...From Kansas City !
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"
He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask." Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!" She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS
IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun We should do this more often."
Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself - and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open! His reply, "I know - I already got that side."
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , Mississippi!
STAY ALERT! They walk among us . . .and they REPRODUCE!!!
Unbelievables
The following are all replies that Dallas TX women have written on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing "father's details". These are genuine excerpts from the forms (truth be told??).
(Number 11 takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up - Number 5 gives new meaning to people from Virginia )
1. Regarding. the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.
5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.
7. I do not k now who the father of my child was as all blacks look the same to me.
8. Peter Smith Is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time .. well, I don't have clue.
9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.
