1. I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE MY PURSE IS.
2. I BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH MY ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING MY BUTT WHILE YELLING "WOO-HOO" IS TRULY THE SEXIEST DANCE MOVE AROUND.
3. I'VE SUDDENLY DECIDED I WANT TO KICK SOMEONE'S ASS AND HONESTLY BELIEVE I COULD DO IT TOO.
4. IN MY LAST TRIP TO PEE, I REALIZE I NOW LOOK MORE LIKE A HOMELESS HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS I WAS JUST FOUR HOURS AGO.
5. I DROP MY 3:00 A.M. SUBMARINE SANDWICH ON THE FLOOR (WHICH I'M EATING EVEN THOUGH I'M NOT THE LEAST BIT HUNGRY), PICK IT UP AND CARRYON EATING IT.
6. I START CRYING AND TELLING EVERYONE I SEE THAT I LOVE THEM SOOOOO MUCH.
7. I GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A NEW SONG PLAYS BECAUSE "OH MY GOD - I LOVE THIS SONG!"
8. I'VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK SITTING NEXT TO ME.
9. THE MAN I'M FLIRTING WITH USED TO BE MY 5TH GRADE TEACHER!
10. THE URGE TO TAKE OFF ARTICLES OF CLOTHING, STAND ON A TABLE AND SING OR DANCE BECOMES STRANGELY OVERWHELMING.
11. MY EYES JUST DON'T SEEM TO WANT TO STAY OPEN ON THEIR OWN SO I KEEP THEM HALF-CLOSED AND THINK IT LOOKS EXOTICALLY SEXY.
12. I'VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY GOOD AT IT.
13. I YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO (I THINK) CHEATED ME BY GIVING ME JUST LEMONADE. BUT THAT'S JUST BECAUSE I CAN NO LONGER TASTE THE GIN.
14. I THINK I'M IN BED, BUT MY PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY LIKE THE KITCHEN FLOOR.
15. I START EVERY CONVERSATION WITH A BOOMING, "DON'T TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY BUT..."
16. I FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID'S DOWN WHEN I SIT ON IT.
17. MY HUGS BEGIN TO RESEMBLE WRESTLING TAKE-DOWN MOVES.
18. I'M TIRED SO I JUST SIT ON THE FLOOR (WHEREVER I HAPPEN TO BE STANDING) AND TAKE A QUICK NAP.
19. I BEGIN LEAVING THE BUTTONS OPEN ON MY BUTTON FLY PANTS TO CUT DOWN ON THE TIME I'M IN THE BATHROOM AWAY FROM MY DRINK.
20. I TAKE MY SHOES OFF BECAUSE I BELIEVE IT'S THEIR FAULT THAT I'M HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT.
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
Thursday, September 22, 2005
Bush's Clock
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's President Bush's clock?" asked the man."Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's President Bush's clock?" asked the man."Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
Saturday, September 17, 2005
Too Many to Count
A guy is sitting next to a blonde in a diner. She is reading a newspaper and sobbing.
The headline reads "Twelve Brazilian soldiers killed in avalanche." The blonde turns to him and says, "How many is a brazillian?"
The headline reads "Twelve Brazilian soldiers killed in avalanche." The blonde turns to him and says, "How many is a brazillian?"
What Does Love Mean?
"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." Rebecca- age 8
"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth." Billy - age 4
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other." Karl - age 5
"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs." Chrissy age 6
"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." Terri - age 4
"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." Danny - age 7
"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss" Emily - age 8
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen." Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)
"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate," Nikka - age 6 (we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)
"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday." Noelle - age 7
"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." Tommy - age 6
"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore." Cindy - age 8
"My mommy loves me more than anybody . You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night." Clare - age 6
"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken." Elaine-age 5
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford." Chris - age 7
"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." Mary Ann - age 4
"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." Lauren - age 4
"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." (what an imagination) Karen - age 7
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross." Mark - age 6
"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." Jessica - age 8
"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth." Billy - age 4
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other." Karl - age 5
"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs." Chrissy age 6
"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." Terri - age 4
"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." Danny - age 7
"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss" Emily - age 8
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen." Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)
"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate," Nikka - age 6 (we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)
"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday." Noelle - age 7
"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." Tommy - age 6
"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore." Cindy - age 8
"My mommy loves me more than anybody . You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night." Clare - age 6
"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken." Elaine-age 5
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford." Chris - age 7
"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." Mary Ann - age 4
"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." Lauren - age 4
"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." (what an imagination) Karen - age 7
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross." Mark - age 6
"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." Jessica - age 8
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
Monday, September 12, 2005
A Man's Guide to PMS
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands!
This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Have a glass of wine.
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Wow, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Have a glass of wine.
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's my paycheck.
ULTRASAFE: Have a glass of wine.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Have a glass of wine.
DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Have a glass of wine.
13 Things PMS Stands For:
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
13. Potential Murder Suspect
Pass this on to your hormonal friends and those who might need a good laugh! Or men who need a warning.
This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Have a glass of wine.
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Wow, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Have a glass of wine.
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's my paycheck.
ULTRASAFE: Have a glass of wine.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Have a glass of wine.
DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Have a glass of wine.
13 Things PMS Stands For:
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
13. Potential Murder Suspect
Pass this on to your hormonal friends and those who might need a good laugh! Or men who need a warning.