Timeless Quotes

"In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is
a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress."
John Adams

"Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally."
Abraham Lincoln

Redneck Sensitivity

Three Rednecks were working up on a Georgia cell phone tower: Bobby, Johnny and Bubba.

As they start their descent Bobby slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Johnny says, "Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife."

Bubba says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Johnny says, "Where did you get that beer, Bubba?"

"Bobby's wife gave it to me," Bubba replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

Well, not exactly", Bubba says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, you must be Bobby's widow'."
She said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow."

Then I said "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."

Thank you George, for your Wisdom

For those of us old enough to understand George Carlin…a few statements to ponder.

1. Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
6. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him…is he still wrong?
7. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
8. Is there another word for synonym?
9. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
10. Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
11. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
12. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
13. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
14. If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
15. Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
16. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
17. Why do they put Braille on the drive-thru ATMs?
18. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
19. One thing nice about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
20. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
21. How is it possible to have a civil war?
22. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
23. If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?
24. If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?
25. Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have an “S” in it?
26. Why are hemorrhoids called hemorrhoids instead of “asteroids”?
27. Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
28. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
29. Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
30. If the “black box” flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

The Senior Eye Test