New Florida Quarter

Redneck Reindeer

Gifts from God

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the Congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.

Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, “Children are a gift from God,” he said. Silence fell on the congregation. In the back of the room, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice and said,” Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much, we wear rubbers.”

And the congregation said, “Amen”

But will it Sell Beer?

Click HERE for a novel beer ad.
Broadband necessary

Cutsey Kid Quotes

NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a Woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!

HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bath room and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too it fell in a week ago."

OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a Note from his mother The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During the struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy, " the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

The Golden Years

A group of seniors were sitting around the pool in sunny Florida talking about all their ailments.

"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know," said another.

"My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee."

"I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time, my hands are so crippled, "volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up, I can't hear you," said a fourth.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fifth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy I can hardly walk," exclaimed another.

"I forget where I am and where I'm going," said an elderly gent.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.

The others nodded in agreement.

"Well, count your blessings," said one woman cheerfully.

"THANK GOD WE ALL CAN DRIVE!"

Not Terribly Funny

But I thought this was a very cool decoration for this time of year.
Fangs for your patience and Happy Halloween!

YOU KNOW YOU LIVE ON THE GULF COAST WHEN

• You have FEMA's number on your speed dialer.
  
• You have more than 300 C and D batteries in your kitchen drawer.
  
• Your pantry contains more than 20 cans of Spaghetti Os.
  
• You are thinking of repainting your house to match the plywood covering your windows.
  
• When describing your house to a prospective buyer, you say it has three bedrooms, two baths and one safe hallway.
  
• Your SSN isn't a secret, it's written in Sharpie on your arms.
  
• You are on a first-name basis with the cashier at Home Depot.
  
• You are delighted to pay $3 for a gallon of regular unleaded.
  
• The road leading to your house has been declared a No-Wake Zone.
  
• You decide that your patio furniture looks better on the bottom of the pool.
  
• You own more than three large coolers.
  
• You can wish that other people get hit by a hurricane and not feel the least bit guilty about it.
  
• You rationalize helping a friend board up by thinking "It'll only take gallon of gas to get there and back"
  
• You have 2-liter coke bottles and milk jugs filled with water in your freezer.
  
• Three months ago you couldn't hang a shower curtain; today you can assemble a portable generator by candlelight.
  
• You catch a 13-pound redfish. In your driveway.
  
• You can recite from memory whole portions of your homeowner's insurance policy. You consider a "vacation" to stunning Tupelo, Mississippi.
  
• At cocktail parties, women are attracted to the guy with the biggest chainsaw.
  
• You have had tuna fish more than 5 days in a row.
  
• There is a roll of tar paper in your garage.
  
• You can rattle off the names of three or more meteorologists who work at the Weather Channel.
  
• Someone comes to your door to tell you they found your roof.
  
• Ice is a valid topic of conversation.
  
• Your "drive-thru" meal consists of MRE's and bottled water.
  
• Relocating to South Dakota does not seem like such a crazy idea.
  
• You spend more time on your roof then in your living room.
  
• You've been laughed at over the phone by a roofer, fence builder or a tree worker.
  
• A battery powered TV is considered a home entertainment center.
  
• You don't worry about relatives wanting to visit during the summer.
  
• Your child's first words are "hunker down" and you didn't go to Ole Miss!
  
• Having a tree in your living room does not necessarily mean it's Christmas.
  
• Toilet Paper is elevated to coin of the realm at the shelters.
  
• You know the difference between the "good side" of a storm and the "bad side."
  
• Your kids start school in August and finish in July.
  
• You go to work early and stay late just to enjoy the air conditioning.