SCUBA

If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma! This is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy...

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an
E-mail he sent to his sister.

Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool.

So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse.

Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.

Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job."

The Irony of the Rat Race

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.

“Not very long,” answered the fisherman.

“But then, why didn’t you stay out longer and catch more?” asked the tourist.

The fisherman explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.

The tourist asked, “But what do you do with the rest of your time?”

“I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village and see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs…. I have a full life.”

The tourist interrupted, “I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat. With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers, instead of selling your fish to a middleman, you can negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open you own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct you huge enterprise.”

“How long would that take?” asked the fisherman?

“Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years,” replied the tourist.

“And after that?”

“Afterwards? That’s when it gets really interesting,” answered the tourist laughing. “When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!”

“Millions? Really? And after that?”

“After that you’ll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta, and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends.

A First Person Taser Experience

Last weekend I spied something at the pawnshop that tickled my fancy.
(Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled).

I bought something really cool for my wife. The occasion was our 18th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety.

You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. However I soon learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. Awesome! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop! Yipeeeeee!

I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to my wife what that burn spot on the face of her microwave is.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, etc. etc. There I sat in my recliner, my dog looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not the dog) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping the dog for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. He is such a sweet pup, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Was I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? It seemed reasonable to me at the time.

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Taser in the other. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "No friggin' way!"

Friggin' way - trust me. But I'm getting ahead of myself. What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm sitting there alone, the dog looking on with his head cocked to one side as to say, "Don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such! a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight-- always 20-20. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya just hate that?)

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY*********! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!!

I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, and then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. The dog was standing over me making sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to himself, "Do it again, do it again!"

(NOTE: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Taser, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep into your thigh like yours truly.)

SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My glasses were on the TV across the room. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.

The worst part was confessing this to my wife. She wasn't sympathetic at all.

New Florida Quarter

Redneck Reindeer

Gifts from God

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the Congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.

Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, “Children are a gift from God,” he said. Silence fell on the congregation. In the back of the room, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice and said,” Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much, we wear rubbers.”

And the congregation said, “Amen”

But will it Sell Beer?

Click HERE for a novel beer ad.
Broadband necessary

Cutsey Kid Quotes

NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a Woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!

HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bath room and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too it fell in a week ago."

OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a Note from his mother The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During the struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy, " the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

The Golden Years

A group of seniors were sitting around the pool in sunny Florida talking about all their ailments.

"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know," said another.

"My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee."

"I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time, my hands are so crippled, "volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up, I can't hear you," said a fourth.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fifth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy I can hardly walk," exclaimed another.

"I forget where I am and where I'm going," said an elderly gent.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.

The others nodded in agreement.

"Well, count your blessings," said one woman cheerfully.

"THANK GOD WE ALL CAN DRIVE!"

Not Terribly Funny

But I thought this was a very cool decoration for this time of year.
Fangs for your patience and Happy Halloween!

YOU KNOW YOU LIVE ON THE GULF COAST WHEN

• You have FEMA's number on your speed dialer.
  
• You have more than 300 C and D batteries in your kitchen drawer.
  
• Your pantry contains more than 20 cans of Spaghetti Os.
  
• You are thinking of repainting your house to match the plywood covering your windows.
  
• When describing your house to a prospective buyer, you say it has three bedrooms, two baths and one safe hallway.
  
• Your SSN isn't a secret, it's written in Sharpie on your arms.
  
• You are on a first-name basis with the cashier at Home Depot.
  
• You are delighted to pay $3 for a gallon of regular unleaded.
  
• The road leading to your house has been declared a No-Wake Zone.
  
• You decide that your patio furniture looks better on the bottom of the pool.
  
• You own more than three large coolers.
  
• You can wish that other people get hit by a hurricane and not feel the least bit guilty about it.
  
• You rationalize helping a friend board up by thinking "It'll only take gallon of gas to get there and back"
  
• You have 2-liter coke bottles and milk jugs filled with water in your freezer.
  
• Three months ago you couldn't hang a shower curtain; today you can assemble a portable generator by candlelight.
  
• You catch a 13-pound redfish. In your driveway.
  
• You can recite from memory whole portions of your homeowner's insurance policy. You consider a "vacation" to stunning Tupelo, Mississippi.
  
• At cocktail parties, women are attracted to the guy with the biggest chainsaw.
  
• You have had tuna fish more than 5 days in a row.
  
• There is a roll of tar paper in your garage.
  
• You can rattle off the names of three or more meteorologists who work at the Weather Channel.
  
• Someone comes to your door to tell you they found your roof.
  
• Ice is a valid topic of conversation.
  
• Your "drive-thru" meal consists of MRE's and bottled water.
  
• Relocating to South Dakota does not seem like such a crazy idea.
  
• You spend more time on your roof then in your living room.
  
• You've been laughed at over the phone by a roofer, fence builder or a tree worker.
  
• A battery powered TV is considered a home entertainment center.
  
• You don't worry about relatives wanting to visit during the summer.
  
• Your child's first words are "hunker down" and you didn't go to Ole Miss!
  
• Having a tree in your living room does not necessarily mean it's Christmas.
  
• Toilet Paper is elevated to coin of the realm at the shelters.
  
• You know the difference between the "good side" of a storm and the "bad side."
  
• Your kids start school in August and finish in July.
  
• You go to work early and stay late just to enjoy the air conditioning.

WHEN GIRLS DRINK TOO MUCH

1. I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE MY PURSE IS.

2. I BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH MY ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING MY BUTT WHILE YELLING "WOO-HOO" IS TRULY THE SEXIEST DANCE MOVE AROUND.

3. I'VE SUDDENLY DECIDED I WANT TO KICK SOMEONE'S ASS AND HONESTLY BELIEVE I COULD DO IT TOO.

4. IN MY LAST TRIP TO PEE, I REALIZE I NOW LOOK MORE LIKE A HOMELESS HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS I WAS JUST FOUR HOURS AGO.

5. I DROP MY 3:00 A.M. SUBMARINE SANDWICH ON THE FLOOR (WHICH I'M EATING EVEN THOUGH I'M NOT THE LEAST BIT HUNGRY), PICK IT UP AND CARRYON EATING IT.

6. I START CRYING AND TELLING EVERYONE I SEE THAT I LOVE THEM SOOOOO MUCH.

7. I GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A NEW SONG PLAYS BECAUSE "OH MY GOD - I LOVE THIS SONG!"

8. I'VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK SITTING NEXT TO ME.

9. THE MAN I'M FLIRTING WITH USED TO BE MY 5TH GRADE TEACHER!

10. THE URGE TO TAKE OFF ARTICLES OF CLOTHING, STAND ON A TABLE AND SING OR DANCE BECOMES STRANGELY OVERWHELMING.

11. MY EYES JUST DON'T SEEM TO WANT TO STAY OPEN ON THEIR OWN SO I KEEP THEM HALF-CLOSED AND THINK IT LOOKS EXOTICALLY SEXY.

12. I'VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY GOOD AT IT.

13. I YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO (I THINK) CHEATED ME BY GIVING ME JUST LEMONADE. BUT THAT'S JUST BECAUSE I CAN NO LONGER TASTE THE GIN.

14. I THINK I'M IN BED, BUT MY PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY LIKE THE KITCHEN FLOOR.

15. I START EVERY CONVERSATION WITH A BOOMING, "DON'T TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY BUT..."

16. I FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID'S DOWN WHEN I SIT ON IT.

17. MY HUGS BEGIN TO RESEMBLE WRESTLING TAKE-DOWN MOVES.

18. I'M TIRED SO I JUST SIT ON THE FLOOR (WHEREVER I HAPPEN TO BE STANDING) AND TAKE A QUICK NAP.

19. I BEGIN LEAVING THE BUTTONS OPEN ON MY BUTTON FLY PANTS TO CUT DOWN ON THE TIME I'M IN THE BATHROOM AWAY FROM MY DRINK.

20. I TAKE MY SHOES OFF BECAUSE I BELIEVE IT'S THEIR FAULT THAT I'M HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT.

Bush's Clock

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's President Bush's clock?" asked the man."Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

Too Many to Count

A guy is sitting next to a blonde in a diner. She is reading a newspaper and sobbing.

The headline reads "Twelve Brazilian soldiers killed in avalanche." The blonde turns to him and says, "How many is a brazillian?"

What Does Love Mean?

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." Rebecca- age 8

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth." Billy - age 4

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other." Karl - age 5

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs." Chrissy age 6

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." Terri - age 4

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." Danny - age 7

"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss" Emily - age 8

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen." Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate," Nikka - age 6 (we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday." Noelle - age 7

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." Tommy - age 6

"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore." Cindy - age 8

"My mommy loves me more than anybody . You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night." Clare - age 6

"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken." Elaine-age 5

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford." Chris - age 7

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." Mary Ann - age 4

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." Lauren - age 4

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." (what an imagination) Karen - age 7

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross." Mark - age 6

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." Jessica - age 8

The Bushes on Vacation

A Man's Guide to PMS

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands!

This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Have a glass of wine.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Wow, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Have a glass of wine.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's my paycheck.
ULTRASAFE: Have a glass of wine.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Have a glass of wine.

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Have a glass of wine.

13 Things PMS Stands For:
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
13. Potential Murder Suspect

Pass this on to your hormonal friends and those who might need a good laugh! Or men who need a warning.

German Pope Changes Communion Ceremony

Do You Ever Feel Like This?

Martha vs Real Women

Martha Stewart: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up."
Real Women: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. Please recite with me The Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."

Martha Stewart: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Real Women: Take a lime, mix it with tequila, etc., chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who cares?

Martha Stewart: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Real Women: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.

Martha Stewart: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Real Women: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Martha Stewart: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
Real Women: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.

Martha Stewart: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
Real Women: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I just don't do it.

Martha Stewart: If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Real Women: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.

And finally the most important tip --

Martha Stewart: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Real Women: Leftover wine??????

Finals

At Sydney University, there were four students taking Organic Chemistry. They did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an A so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident with the finals approaching that the weekend before, they decided to go down to Canberra and party with some friends there.


They had a great time. However, after all the hard partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Sydney until early Monday morning- the morning of their final exam!


Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their Professor after the exam and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to Canberra to do some research in the ANU archives for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they only just arrived now!


The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up their final exam the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied hard that night - all night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed each of them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, (which was out of 100 points) and told them to begin.


The first problem was worth 5 points. It was something simple about Free radical formation. "Cool," they all thought in their rooms, "this is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page for the next question:

Question 2 (for 95 points): Which tire was punctured?

Message to the Moon

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training.


One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"


One of the astronauts said that they were practicing a trip to the moon. When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.


Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder. The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate.


So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.


An official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing the translator relayed the message:


"WATCH OUT FOR THESE ASSHOLES. THEY HAVE COME TO STEAL YOUR LAND."

2005 - Is the Cat Dead?

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.

"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.

"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.

"You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

"You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

20050806

Travel Agents and Government Leaders

I have been a Travel Agent for thirty years. I think I now know why this country is in so much trouble!
>-----<
I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
>-----<
I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts" Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response...(click).
>-----<
A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did, I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state!"
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I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No."She said, "But they look so close on the map."
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An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20 a.m. and got into Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
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A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that is very rude?"

After putting her on hold for a minute while I 'looked into it' (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
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A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
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I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."
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A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, FL. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever!"
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A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those."

I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"
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A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady.

After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal," she said.
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Now you too know why our Government is in the shape that it's in.