Sunday, July 31, 2005
The System Administrator Song
Point to Ponder.. or Not
* Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
* Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
* Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
* Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
* Why is it that doctors and lawyers call what they do "practice"?
* Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?
* Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
* Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
* Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
* Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
* Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
* You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
* Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
* Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
* If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
* If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
* Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
* Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
* Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
* Why is it that doctors and lawyers call what they do "practice"?
* Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?
* Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
* Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
* Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
* Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
* Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
* You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
* Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
* Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
* If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
* If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Only in America...
do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy >cigarettes and candy bars at the front.
do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries,and a diet coke. While contemplating surgery for being too fat.
do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. Plus hire a rent a cop with a gun that would make Barney Fife look like Dirty Harry.
do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. Don't forget screws in three's and nails by the dozen.
do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
can you be born a poor black boy and grow up to be a rich white woman .....The Michael Jackson Story
do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries,and a diet coke. While contemplating surgery for being too fat.
do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. Plus hire a rent a cop with a gun that would make Barney Fife look like Dirty Harry.
do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. Don't forget screws in three's and nails by the dozen.
do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
can you be born a poor black boy and grow up to be a rich white woman .....The Michael Jackson Story
The Boat Race
This must be fiction - right?
A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.
On the big day the Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the American team became very discouraged and morally depressed. The American management decided the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A Management Team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.
Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and one person rowing. So American management hired a consulting company and paid them an incredible amount of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing. To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder.
It was called the Rowing Team Quality First Program, with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. Even new paddles and medical benefit incentives were promised for a winner. We must give the rower the empowerment and enrichments through this quality program. The next year, the Japanese won by two miles.
Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment.
The money saved was distributed to the senior executives as bonuses.
A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.
On the big day the Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the American team became very discouraged and morally depressed. The American management decided the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A Management Team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.
Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and one person rowing. So American management hired a consulting company and paid them an incredible amount of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing. To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder.
It was called the Rowing Team Quality First Program, with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. Even new paddles and medical benefit incentives were promised for a winner. We must give the rower the empowerment and enrichments through this quality program. The next year, the Japanese won by two miles.
Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment.
The money saved was distributed to the senior executives as bonuses.
Smaller Government
Sunday Portland Oregonian:
"Other than telling us how to live, think, marry, pray, vote, invest, educate our children and, now, die, I think the Republicans have done a fine job of getting government out of our personal lives."
"Other than telling us how to live, think, marry, pray, vote, invest, educate our children and, now, die, I think the Republicans have done a fine job of getting government out of our personal lives."
2004 - A DAY IN THE LIFE OF JOE CONSERVATIVE
Joe gets up at 6 a.m. and fills his coffee pot with water to prepare his morning coffee. The water is clean and good because some tree- hugging liberal fought for minimum water-quality standards.
With his first swallow of coffee, he takes his daily medication. His medications are safe to take because some stupid commie liberal fought to insure their safety and that they work as advertised.
All but $10 of his medications are paid for by his employer's medical plan because some liberal union workers fought their employers for paid medical insurance - now Joe gets it too.
He prepares his morning breakfast, bacon and eggs. Joe's bacon is safe to eat because some girly-man liberal fought for laws to regulate the meat packing industry.
In the morning shower, Joe reaches for his shampoo. His bottle is properly labeled with each ingredient and its amount in the total contents because some crybaby liberal fought for his right to know what he was putting on his body and how much it contained.
Joe dresses, walks outside and takes a deep breath. The air he breathes is clean because some environmentalist wacko liberal fought for laws to stop industries from polluting our air.
He walks to the subway station for his government-subsidized ride to work. It saves him considerable money in parking and transportation fees because some fancy-pants liberal fought for affordable public transportation, which gives everyone the opportunity to be a contributor.
Joe begins his eight hour work day, another benefit garnered from those commie liberal unions. He has a good job with excellent pay, medical benefits, retirement, paid holidays and vacation because some lazy liberal union members fought and died for these working standards. Joes employer pays these standards because Joe's employer doesn't want his employees to call the union.
If Joe is hurt on the job or becomes unemployed, he'll get a worker compensation or unemployment check because some stupid liberal didn't think he should lose his home because of his temporary misfortune.
Its noontime and Joe needs to make a bank deposit so he can pay some bills. Joe's deposit is federally insured by the FDIC because some godless liberal wanted to protect Joe's money from unscrupulous bankers who ruined the banking system before the Great Depression.
Joe has to pay his Fannie Mae-underwritten mortgage and his below-market federal student loan because some elitist liberal decided that Joe and the government would be better off if he was educated and earned more money over his lifetime.
Joe is home from work. He plans to visit his father this evening at his farm home in the country. He gets in his car for the drive. His car is among the safest in the world because some America-hating liberal fought for car safety standards.
He arrives at his boyhood home. His was the third generation to live in the house financed by Farmers' Home Administration because bankers didn't want to make rural loans. The house didn't have electricity until some big-government liberal stuck his nose where it didn't belong and demanded rural electrification.
He is happy to see his father, who is now retired. His father lives on Social Security and a union pension because some wine-drinking, cheese-eating liberal made sure he could take care of himself so Joe wouldn't have to.
Joe gets back in his car for the ride home, and turns on a radio talk show. The radio host keeps saying that liberals are bad and conservatives are good. He doesn't mention that the beloved Republicans have fought against every protection and benefit Joe enjoys throughout his day.
Joe agrees: "We don't need those big-government liberals ruining our lives! After all, I'm a self-made man who believes everyone should take care of themselves, just like I have"
With his first swallow of coffee, he takes his daily medication. His medications are safe to take because some stupid commie liberal fought to insure their safety and that they work as advertised.
All but $10 of his medications are paid for by his employer's medical plan because some liberal union workers fought their employers for paid medical insurance - now Joe gets it too.
He prepares his morning breakfast, bacon and eggs. Joe's bacon is safe to eat because some girly-man liberal fought for laws to regulate the meat packing industry.
In the morning shower, Joe reaches for his shampoo. His bottle is properly labeled with each ingredient and its amount in the total contents because some crybaby liberal fought for his right to know what he was putting on his body and how much it contained.
Joe dresses, walks outside and takes a deep breath. The air he breathes is clean because some environmentalist wacko liberal fought for laws to stop industries from polluting our air.
He walks to the subway station for his government-subsidized ride to work. It saves him considerable money in parking and transportation fees because some fancy-pants liberal fought for affordable public transportation, which gives everyone the opportunity to be a contributor.
Joe begins his eight hour work day, another benefit garnered from those commie liberal unions. He has a good job with excellent pay, medical benefits, retirement, paid holidays and vacation because some lazy liberal union members fought and died for these working standards. Joes employer pays these standards because Joe's employer doesn't want his employees to call the union.
If Joe is hurt on the job or becomes unemployed, he'll get a worker compensation or unemployment check because some stupid liberal didn't think he should lose his home because of his temporary misfortune.
Its noontime and Joe needs to make a bank deposit so he can pay some bills. Joe's deposit is federally insured by the FDIC because some godless liberal wanted to protect Joe's money from unscrupulous bankers who ruined the banking system before the Great Depression.
Joe has to pay his Fannie Mae-underwritten mortgage and his below-market federal student loan because some elitist liberal decided that Joe and the government would be better off if he was educated and earned more money over his lifetime.
Joe is home from work. He plans to visit his father this evening at his farm home in the country. He gets in his car for the drive. His car is among the safest in the world because some America-hating liberal fought for car safety standards.
He arrives at his boyhood home. His was the third generation to live in the house financed by Farmers' Home Administration because bankers didn't want to make rural loans. The house didn't have electricity until some big-government liberal stuck his nose where it didn't belong and demanded rural electrification.
He is happy to see his father, who is now retired. His father lives on Social Security and a union pension because some wine-drinking, cheese-eating liberal made sure he could take care of himself so Joe wouldn't have to.
Joe gets back in his car for the ride home, and turns on a radio talk show. The radio host keeps saying that liberals are bad and conservatives are good. He doesn't mention that the beloved Republicans have fought against every protection and benefit Joe enjoys throughout his day.
Joe agrees: "We don't need those big-government liberals ruining our lives! After all, I'm a self-made man who believes everyone should take care of themselves, just like I have"
2005 - Dr. Phil's Inner Peace
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace.
Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle os Merlot, a bottle os White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of both Prozac and Valium prescriptions, the rest of the Cheesecake, some Saltines and a box of Chocolates.
You have no ides how freaking good I feel.
Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle os Merlot, a bottle os White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of both Prozac and Valium prescriptions, the rest of the Cheesecake, some Saltines and a box of Chocolates.
You have no ides how freaking good I feel.
FOOD, DIETING & EXERCISE
Q. I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A. Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. . . don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q. Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A. You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q. Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A. No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q. How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A. Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q. What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A. Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good.
Q. Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A. YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q. Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A. Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q. Is chocolate bad for me?
A. Are you crazy? HELLO...cocoa beans...another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q. Is swimming good for your figure?
A. If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q. Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A. Hey! "Round" is a shape!
A. Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. . . don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q. Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A. You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q. Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A. No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q. How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A. Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q. What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A. Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good.
Q. Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A. YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q. Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A. Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q. Is chocolate bad for me?
A. Are you crazy? HELLO...cocoa beans...another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q. Is swimming good for your figure?
A. If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q. Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A. Hey! "Round" is a shape!
2005 - Ohio
You may be from Ohio (pronounced ah-hi-uh) if:
You think all Pro football teams are supposed to wear orange!
You know all the 4 seasons: winter, still winter, almost winter and construction.
You live less than 30 miles from some college or university.
You know what a buckeye really is, and have a recipe for candy ones.
"Toward the lake" means "north" and "toward the river" means south."
You know if other Ohioans are from southern or northern Ohio as soon as they open their mouths. You can spell words like Cuyahoga, Olentangy, Bellefontaine, Tuscarawas, Wapakoneta and you know which letter is doubled in Cincinnati!
"Vacation" means spending a day at Cedar Point in the summer and deer hunting in the fall.
You measure distance in minutes.
Your school classes were canceled because of cold.
Your school classes were canceled because of heat.
You've had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
You know what should be knee-high by the Fourth of July.
You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Example: "Where's my coat at?"
You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer, and Jell-O salad with marshmallows.
You carry jumper cables in your car.
You know what 'pop' is.
You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightgown.
The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page but requires 6 pages for sports.
You think all Pro football teams are supposed to wear orange!
You know all the 4 seasons: winter, still winter, almost winter and construction.
You live less than 30 miles from some college or university.
You know what a buckeye really is, and have a recipe for candy ones.
"Toward the lake" means "north" and "toward the river" means south."
You know if other Ohioans are from southern or northern Ohio as soon as they open their mouths. You can spell words like Cuyahoga, Olentangy, Bellefontaine, Tuscarawas, Wapakoneta and you know which letter is doubled in Cincinnati!
"Vacation" means spending a day at Cedar Point in the summer and deer hunting in the fall.
You measure distance in minutes.
Your school classes were canceled because of cold.
Your school classes were canceled because of heat.
You've had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
You know what should be knee-high by the Fourth of July.
You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Example: "Where's my coat at?"
You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer, and Jell-O salad with marshmallows.
You carry jumper cables in your car.
You know what 'pop' is.
You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightgown.
The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page but requires 6 pages for sports.
2005 - The Poker Player
Two couples were playing poker one evening. Glen accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!
Shocked by this, Glen upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, Glen went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.
Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, Glen courageously admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, " Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Glen confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and Glen doesn't, Glen should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, Glen showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. Glen quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did Glen come by the house this afternoon?"
With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"
In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."
Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. Glen came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!
Shocked by this, Glen upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, Glen went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.
Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, Glen courageously admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, " Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Glen confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and Glen doesn't, Glen should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, Glen showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. Glen quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did Glen come by the house this afternoon?"
With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"
In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."
Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. Glen came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!
CAT HAIKU
The food in my bowl
is old, and more to the point
Contains no tuna.
So you want to play.
Will I claw at dancing string?
Your ankle's closer.
There's no dignity
In being sick -- which is why
I don't tell you where.
Seeking solitude
I am locked in the closet.
For once I need you.
Tiny can, dumped in
Plastic bowl. Presentation,
One star; service: none.
Am I in your way?
You seem to have it backwards:
This pillow's taken.
Your mouth is moving;
Up and down, emitting noise.
I've lost interest
The dog wags his tail,
Seeking approval. See mine?
Different message.
My brain: walnut-sized.
Yours: largest among primates.
Yet, who leaves for work?
Most problems can be
Ignored. The more difficult
Ones can be slept through.
My affection is conditional.
Don't stand up,
It's your lap I love.
Cats can't steal the breath
Of children. But if my tail's
Pulled again, I'll learn.
I don't mind being
Teased, any more than you mind
A skin graft or two.
So you call this thing
Your "cat carrier." I call
these my "blades of death."
Toy mice, dancing yarn
Meowing sounds. I'm convinced:
You're an idiot.
The food in my bowl
is old, and more to the point
Contains no tuna.
So you want to play.
Will I claw at dancing string?
Your ankle's closer.
There's no dignity
In being sick -- which is why
I don't tell you where.
Seeking solitude
I am locked in the closet.
For once I need you.
Tiny can, dumped in
Plastic bowl. Presentation,
One star; service: none.
Am I in your way?
You seem to have it backwards:
This pillow's taken.
Your mouth is moving;
Up and down, emitting noise.
I've lost interest
The dog wags his tail,
Seeking approval. See mine?
Different message.
My brain: walnut-sized.
Yours: largest among primates.
Yet, who leaves for work?
Most problems can be
Ignored. The more difficult
Ones can be slept through.
My affection is conditional.
Don't stand up,
It's your lap I love.
Cats can't steal the breath
Of children. But if my tail's
Pulled again, I'll learn.
I don't mind being
Teased, any more than you mind
A skin graft or two.
So you call this thing
Your "cat carrier." I call
these my "blades of death."
Toy mice, dancing yarn
Meowing sounds. I'm convinced:
You're an idiot.
2004 - Things Really Haven't Changed That Much
You know you're living in 2004 when...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.
14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
16.You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.
14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
16.You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.
2004 - Point Most People Never Ponder
Ever wonder...
1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
2. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."
3. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
4. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
5. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
6. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
7. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
8. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
9. Why does your OB-GYN/Urologist/Proctologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
10. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
11. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
12. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
13. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
14. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
15. Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
16. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
18. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
19. Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
20. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
21. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
2. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."
3. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
4. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
5. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
6. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
7. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
8. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
9. Why does your OB-GYN/Urologist/Proctologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
10. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
11. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
12. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
13. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
14. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
15. Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
16. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
18. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
19. Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
20. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
21. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
2005 Computer Error Haiku
The Web site you seek
cannot be located,
but countless more exist.
--------------------------------------------
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
--------------------------------------------
Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.
--------------------------------------------
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
--------------------------------------------
Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
--------------------------------------------
Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
--------------------------------------------
Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.
--------------------------------------------
A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.
--------------------------------------------
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
--------------------------------------------
You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
--------------------------------------------
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
but we never will.
--------------------------------------------
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
must now be retyped.
--------------------------------------------
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
--------------------------------------------
cannot be located,
but countless more exist.
--------------------------------------------
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
--------------------------------------------
Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.
--------------------------------------------
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
--------------------------------------------
Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
--------------------------------------------
Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
--------------------------------------------
Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.
--------------------------------------------
A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.
--------------------------------------------
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
--------------------------------------------
You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
--------------------------------------------
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
but we never will.
--------------------------------------------
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
must now be retyped.
--------------------------------------------
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
--------------------------------------------
2005 - Mensa Definitions
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
2005 - January is Time to Diet
ITALIAN PASTA DIET IT REALLY WORKS !!
1) You walka pasta da bakery.
2) You walka pasta da candy store.
3) You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
4) You walka pasta da table and fridge.
Also CONCERNED ABOUT TOO MANY CARBS IN YOUR DIET?
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
1) You walka pasta da bakery.
2) You walka pasta da candy store.
3) You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
4) You walka pasta da table and fridge.
Also CONCERNED ABOUT TOO MANY CARBS IN YOUR DIET?
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
2004 - Holiday Eating Tips
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.
Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.
Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"
